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Thoughts on Thinking Differently
continued

It is not like a computer; I have a very human brain. I believe thinking and feeling are intertwined. I have often felt and thought that I feel more than do normal folks; and I certainly think more than is normal. I cry easily at movies and books. I anger easily at injustice. I can quickly rationalize either side of an argument – and I can be quite convincing. Aha! Sounds like a lawyer, an actress or a psychoneurotic, eh? Precisely my point.

The way I think is so deeply entrenched in how I feel and who I am that I am really terrified at the thought of thinking in any other way. I have memory disturbances, vertigo, partial seizures and experience brain "fog" on a regular basis, and these affect me far more drastically than my being deaf or using a wheelchair. Recent health problems have made me fear brain damage, and recent hospitalization, combined with psychiatric consultation, have forced me to confront my own sanity or lack thereof. I will openly admit to going through one or two "clinical depressions," suicidal tendencies, workaholism, emotional instability (and liability), uncontrolled anger and even self-destructiveness.

Anyone who reads this who knows what "clinical depression" is will understand that even by itself without all my other "thought" differences, the effects of depression also are devastating. I can remember knowing, believing with all my mind, that there was no way out. No one would help me because I was helpless, hopeless and humorless. I did think of death as an option that would bring relief. I also had the responsibility of caring for a child, though, so I had to discount suicide as the method of coping. Many others have not been so lucky. Depression affects you holistically – your appetite, your energy, your sense of self, your concentration, your sleeping habits, your every mood and thought. Depression may (or may not) be a social construction (or deconstruction), but it is a very real and frightening condition to those of us who experience it.

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