Brother and Sister--Then and Now

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How has your disability affected your relationship with a brother or sister?

Name: Betsy Walton
Email: betsylei@voicenet.com
Date: 12 Sep 1999
Time: 04:34:08

Story

My brother is four years older than I. Before I turned ten, I thought he was the best brother a girl could have. I made sure I told everyone I knew about him. He played with me. He taught me how to swing a wiffle ball bat. He helped me whenever he could...in and out of our house, in and out of a swimming pool...He was the greatest.

As he became a teenager, things didn't change much between us. He was still helpful and spent time with me. He even let me spend time with him and his friends from high school. When our parents went out for the evening, my brother's friends usually came over. He never told me to "go to your room--we guys want to be alone." He let me join them. The evenings spent in the Family Room with his friends were some of the best memories of my early teens. His friends didn't treat me any different. I was just Scott's sister, Betsy. They laughed, made jokes and let me "in" on the fun...no Locker room humor...just good, clean fun. I felt accepted. Things were different when they left.

My brother was not someone who expressed his feelings openly. If he disagreed with something I said, he called me "Dumpy" or "Stupid." When I shared something important in my life or an opinion I had about something, his response was, "So." I could not tell him how much his comments hurt me, because I looked up to him and held what he said about me to be true...after all, he's my brother right? When I told our parents on numerous occasions, that I felt hurt by what my brother said to me, they always said, "Now, you know your brother loves you. He's just teasing you. Don't be so sensitive."

My brother graduated from college, was hired by a major automotive company, moved out of our house and, eventually got married. I went to college, graduate school and was hired as a teacher's aide then by a major publishing company. My brother wondered why I worked part-time when he worked twelve-fourteen hour days plus overtime as a shipping supervisor. I said,"Because I chose to." He wouldn't let up on me. He kept pushing the issue, asking the same question over and over... I finally said, "Because it's MY LIFE." My mother asked him, "Why are you so hard on her?" "Because," he replied, "I don't want to see her settle for anything less." Well, I was happy with the choices I made. I knew what I could do and didn't want to push myself any further and jeopardize my job performance because I was physically too tired from dealing with my Spastic/Quad Cerebral Palsy and Daily Living Activities and working. By the time he and I had that particular exchange of words, I was living on my own, in an apartment, doing EVERYTHING by myself, with the exception of changing my bed linen. My mother did that for me until I was assigned a Personal Care Attendant. I worked six hours per day, five days per week. I drove myself to work and to all errands, appointments and church activities.

Fast forwarding to June 1996. Our mother died suddenly at age 70. We had just returned from visiting my brother and his family in a southern state. A week and a half later, our mother died. My brother and sister-in-law came up for the funeral. After the funeral, my brother said he wanted to have a chat with me. In this chat, he made it clear that, from his point of view, I needed to make some major changes in my life. I needed to be more independent (I was too dependent on people, he said); I needed some goals in my life; I needed a full time job and not the part-time tutoring job I had at a local community college; I needed to realize that I had lost "my primary care-giver" (our mother) I also needed to realize that, with our father at age 71, I would be alone sooner than I realized; I also needed to remember that I would be welcome to visit him and his family anytime I chose to, stay as long as I wanted...as long as I knew that I was NOT to move in with them...because they would NOT take care of me like our parents took care of their mothers (our grandmothers.)

While some of what he said was true, the most hurtful thing he said to me was that I had lost my "primary care-giver." He did not realize how independent I was, nor did he bother to see for himself how well I was doing. I admit that I need to be even more independent than I am right now...but I am my own Primary Care Giver!!!! I felt hurt and very disrespected by what my brother said to me.

I realize our relationship has changed since we have been teenagers. That is to be expected. I never expected that my brother would or could say those things about his sister. His sister who has done her best to be as independent as she possibly can --- who is working hard to maintain her independence, physically and emotionally. I never thought my brother would be expected to "take care" of me when our parents were no longer able to do so. I am doing everything in my power to see that that never, ever happens. I never wanted it to happen in the first place. Nothing could motivate me more to remain independent than to prove my brother wrong.

How does a disability affect sibling relations? It affected this one by creating a wall. A wall with no means of communicating through it or around it. A wall which has to be broken down, brick by brick ... a wall which will be broken down when I summon the strength and courage to talk with my brother in a mature fashion. I want to do what I can to break this wall that has blocked our relationship.

Deep down, I love my brother. I don't want misunderstandings or misplaced expectations to push us away any further. Yes, he has hurt me deeply. I am beginning to understand him better and "see" his point of view...I believe this relationship can be fixed. I want to give it my best efforts.

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Name: cgyufmkha
Email: dfxjcf@muauyr.com
Date: 04 Mar 2008
Time: 11:08:47

Story

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Name: aihdjtjt
Email: meyowl@njflyg.com
Date: 01 Apr 2008
Time: 22:58:11

Story

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Name: rqmiar
Email: yuhtfz@swosng.com
Date: 19 May 2008
Time: 06:02:17