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How has your disability helped you understand another person's perspective?
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Name: Dr Anita Ghai
Email : anitravi@giasdl01.vsnl.net.in
Date: 22 Sep 1998
Time: 16:58:03
Remote Name: d410.pppdel.vsnl.net.in
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MY TRYST WITH MYSELF
I once complained to my father about how different I felt because of my largely visible disability, and he pointed out to me that practically everyone has something wrong with him or her. As a case in point, he drew attention to the large number of blind people. That silenced me for a while, but lately I have begun to ponder what it means to identify as disabled.
If disability is so widespread that it is the individual with the perfectly functioning body who is truly remarkable, then why is it that we speak of people with disabilities as though they constitute a minority? Seeing oneself as possessing an impaired body and negotiating the existing lived, reality has not been an easy endeavour. Become as 'normal' as possible was the message, that kept coming through various agencies such as family, teachers, friends and the lots. Even when a little voice within me would remind me of my difference, I would offer rationalisations of the order that could beat world's best creative efforts.
On the other hand, if I encountered a fellow disabled, I hated to associate myself with him/her. I was petrified of the way they looked. The hesitant gait and stiff movements of blind, the clumsiness of people on the wheelchair, the incomprehensible speech of spastics created uneasiness, which was difficult to respond. Whenever I saw them, I wondered if I appeared as ugly and pathetic.
Despite this illusion of indifference, the feeling that Society looks at me as disabled person primarily, rather than just simply a person, continued to haunt me. It always (well, maybe not always) assumed more significance than the fact that I was a reasonably 'good academician'. Consequently, in my maturity (which I now realise existed in my mind only!), I rejected and refused to allow any influences that may have derived from my disability to appear in my work and relationships with the world. Consciously rejecting thoughts regarding my individuality as a woman, I continued to ignore the significance of definitions attached to me. What was politically correct or incorrect was not one of my favourite questions.
Then, came the confrontation with a significant intimate relationship. It was an ecstasy, which was beyond words. For first time, I experienced the 'completeness' which had always eluded me. My joy knew no bounds for a while. However slowly my insecurities started cropping up. Will he stay on or leave me for a better option? Was he considering me in totality or just as an object? Did my disability matter to him or did he love me despite it. The reassurances that I sought, the endless hours of waiting for the calls, the need to feel wanted, loved and accepted knew no end. Very soon, the ecstasy and feeling of being complete were replaced with a constant dread of being abandoned. Finally, he decided to leave me with a message that my insecurities were far too many and I was indeed handicapped.
Unable to respect the decision, I took on a fight, which was not new to me. Not realising that human relationships could not be normalised as a physical disability, I humiliated myself to lengths, which in retrospective appears as a nightmare. The void, the vacuum, the emptiness that could not be filled changed me from a happy go luck type to forever-depressed individual. The nights were the worst. Sleeplessness drove my mind crazy. The people around had no option, except helplessly watch me destroying myself bit by bit. For a person who had never spoken about her pain despite polio and two open-heart surgeries (probably because that way I did not have to admit that something was broken inside me), the shock that my secret was out was unbearable. It was as if a tornado had hit my life, bringing tears, grief, guilt and, most important, defeat. Scorched, scarred and burnt I almost ended my life until fate intervened.
It was as if I had looked into the mirror for the first time clearly and definitely. It was like discovering some fact you have been searching for one day, until you meet someone and it is there like black confidant print of a book. Fully understanding that the 'rejection' was not exclusive to me by any stretch of imagination, I ventured on a process of meeting my inner self. If my inner reality as a woman with disability was responsible for my persistent insecurities, then where did this internalisation originate? Was the 'system' with all its constructions of ability and limitations not a part of me? Suddenly I was different not in the experiential reality of rejection, but in the existential reality as a disabled woman.
I wanted to rush and meet all my friends with disabilities and ask them whether they experienced this pain and anguish. Did they understand the different levels of exclusion? Did the discrimination bother them? I wanted to ask them whether they had ever felt like shouting from the rooftop, that they too wanted to be included! Will our voices ever be heard? More importantly, will we be able to make society listen to us? The transcendence from I to 'OUR' was significant for it was the first time that I was asserting my self not as a normalised woman but as a woman with some disability but a definite existence.
Our needs do not have to be comprehended only in terms of 'programming' We ourselves have to create a space for our individuality, our sexuality and our entire 'being' We will not and cannot allow society to treat us as invisible and remain a taboo subject-a forbidden topic. Endless questions forcing me to a reflect not only on my life but a collectivity of which I am a part has became my innermost concern.That personal is political is now deeply entrenched into my active awareness, forging my newfound identity as a 'disability activist'. The search thus carries on... Anita Ghai
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