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What mysteries about your disability have you resolved by looking back on your life?
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Name: Richard W. Maimin
E-mail address: wheelchairracer@activist.com
Date: 01 Jun 1999
Time: 22:56:29
Remote Name: bar-ns-1-36.jvlnet.com
Remote User:
Before I continue, a thank you to Jim Hasse for briefly allowing me to escape the pain, the torment, the anger, the bitterness, the horror, the loneliness and all the other words that follow.
1996: What a life. Just received an inheritance and it could not have come at a better time in my life. My motorcycle was falling apart and I needed a new one, desperately. A Kawasaki Vulcan 750, midnight blue with a hint of gray. Dressed it up to look like what I could not afford, a hog. Social life was perfect, to a point. I dated whom I wanted to letting the rest wait their turn. No, I'm not a snob but just decent looking. Like a Steven Spielberg of sorts. My job was that kind you hate to do but better than flipping burgers and getting fat in the process. Riding on a rough but gentle street.
Joined a Harley club out of Media, PA, or, in other words, was sort of adopted by them. Like a pet dog or something. We just liked each other.
1997: My mom is not doing so good in dialysis and I am very scared. Sticking very close to home, closing down my social life. Time to turn the tables and take care of the caregiver who took care of me when I was young. My sister gave me several weeks off and watched over my mother so I could go to Sturgis, South Dakota that August for 2 weeks with several friends and bring home memories I will never forget, no matter how old I become or how senile I get. It was that kind of trip. Motorcycle heaven. Started planning for 1998. Same trip, same friends, same everything. Why ruin something so perfect.
In October I met my soul mate or so she kept insisting. Madly in love for the wrong reasons but won't admit them to her. Secretly, she was in love with me for the same reasons. Except I knew her secret. (Not supposed to make sense.)
1998: The year started off fine. Car business was decent, mom was feeling slightly better and I was dating a wonderful woman. May 6th ended my life and everything I had held so dear. An almost perfect life down the drain because of a cheap employer, a wet tile floor and a missing car out of my inventory.
Eleven hours in the emergency room and then pain, non-subsiding, un-relenting pain. Doctor after doctor, test after test, no results. But it was building, slowly but steadily, it was building up in my system. The pain kept proving it was there, but there was no test for the pain. X-rays, cat scans, body bone scans, emg's, mri's of entire body, enough blood to satisfy even Dracula.
Pain, a small word that invokes so much horror and brutality. After all, the doctors and the lawyer say it is in my head, that there is nothing wrong with my body -- go see a shrink and grow up.
Rheumotology: the study of the body and all its connective tissues and ligaments and muscles and all the ...
On September 1st of 1998, I became 100% completely disabled thanks to a little known disease that has been around since the 1700's called fibromyalgia. One would think they would have had found a cure by now. Not my luck. My luck ended May 6th.
July something, not sure of the exact date, my girlfriend can't handle a wheelchair any more and splits. She'll tell it differently, but the end result is she can't take care of me. She doesn't know how. I just think she missed the sex. The pain in my back precludes any enjoyment.
Therapy, doctors, more tests, therapy, doctors, fire one lousy attorney, hire a great one who believes in me and, the pain, it just won't go away. The strongest medications in the world can't stop the pain nor even dull it. Haven't slept now in almost 13 months. Pain management clinic is writing a book about me; therapy clinics have given up on me or my pain (not sure which one). My mood stinks, the attitude that follows will get me killed yet by someone close to me. I hope the Prozac holds out.
Pain, I can't handle it. The doctors can't handle it, the medications can't handle it, but it can handle it and is doing something about it. It is my mind, not my body, that is trying to take control of the pain or at the least, my outlook on it.
Paying a therapy clinic now to train me for a marathon. Yeah, a marathon, 26 miles 385 yards (I think). I can't walk or even crawl but I can push, and my drug store wheelchair and I are going to make history this fall in finishing the Philadelphia marathon. Not win, not place, just finish. Isn't that what winning is all about, finishing something you set out to do?
My doctors say I have lost my mind in attempting even the training part of this stupidity. How will I deal with the pain? Same as I am doing now. I'm not dealing with it; I am letting it control and ruin my life as it has for 13 months, but, this time, I am going to let it win.
I push myself to the gym on Tuesdays and Fridays, then come home and collapse for the days in between therapy. Four hours out of bed and 20 hours in bed, writhing in pain, screaming under the covers, fighting the devil within, for he cannot win.
After all, my mom still needs me, in or out of pain; she will take me as I am. Why can't anyone else do the same? Why did my employer deny my workers' compensation and force me into a lawsuit, knowing he will lose anyway? Just to add more pain to the pain that I've endured for 13 months.
I can't drive anymore. If I get lucky, ha ha, and someone gives me a racing wheelchair, it won't fit into anybody's trunk anyway, so social life stays on hold. Who wants anything to do with someone in a wheelchair. They all smile, for they are safe around me. I cannot chase them anymore.
Do I continue through the training and finish the marathon, or do I give into the pain and let it win in the end, if not sooner?
I have one fight left. I'll make it happen and then, we shall see. Does the pain win out and destroy me forever, or do I spend eternity battling the devil?
Copyright © 1999 Richard w. Maimin. All rights reserved.
(Also see Subject of Help and Disability and Rejection by Richard W. Maimin.)
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Name: COMPRARVIAGRABARATO
E-mail address: erectilepotense@gmail.com
Date: 12 Feb 2008
Time: 01:50:11
Remote Name: 195.2.114.31
Remote User:
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