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How have you successfully dealt with the double whammy: disability and depression?

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Chronic Debilitating Depression; Disabled Incest Survivor

Name: Delores Myers-Wiley
Email: LUVLYLDYDE@aol.com
Date: 22 Sep 2001
Time: 06:50:13

Story

I am a 50-year-old African American female, divorced mother of two adult children and employed as a nurse. I have been depressed for most of my life. My self esteem is nil; I am immobilized by my depression in spite of may years of therapy and several tried and failed antidepressants I am currently on (wellbutri, 450mg sr; dexidrine tid, 20mg in am,15 mg at 11 and 30mg at 3 p.m.; klonopin for extreme anxiety attacks; oxycontin for back pain due to injury in 1985 and three failed surgeries; 175mcq of sythroid, due to thyroidectomy I had in 1997).

I had a breast reduction in 1999 to help the back pain. I have a wedged disc at level t-s. I suffer from planyar fasciitis and had one surgical procedure in June that has not healed.

I was hospitalized four time in 2001 for ulcerative gastritis, unresponsive to meds, including nexium.

I have stopped taking care of my finances, and I feel I would rather be dead than to continue like this. I have one sister, older, and my father (my molester) is 81 years old and in fairly good health. My mother, my only love, died in 1986 from a brain tumor. I took care of her in my home for a year with no family assistance. After her death and two years of mourning, I returned to school and obtained my BSN. I graduated with honors.

While in school about 1991, through a flashback, I had my first indication of my incest. It probably occurred when I was very young. I remember seeing diapers.

My psychiatrist and psychologist feel I am too depressed to work and I know I am. My psychiatrist's hope for me is not to get worst. And my therapist feels we have covered everything from A to Z, and the depression is still very profound. I live alone and my day consists of work, when I can go, and going to bed until the next morning. I stay in bed from Friday evening to Monday morning. The one positive thing I have been able to do consistently is take care of my 11 Beta fish. I have no energy or will to clean. I cry constantly. I eat poorly. And I am so tired.

My family will not even speak about my depression. I do have some supportive girl friends, an ex-mother-in-law, and one aunt. I am in pain from my head to the bottom of my feet constantly. The only male asexual relationships I have are disfunctional and very abusive, but I am afraid to be alone so I continue to allow the abuse.

If it wasn't for my two children and my faith in God, I would not be here. I have no life and each day seems to be progressively worst. I applied, with the help of my psychiatrist, for a case manager from the mental health association, but, inspite of a completed application and letter from my doctor, they said they don't have enough information.

I am harassed at work by my supervisor and two co-workers. I guess they resent that I am out sick so often. I am employed as one of five Nurses in the local health department where we investigate all the communicable diseases in the county.

I don.t know how to get better and I am very lonely and so depressed. I need some assistance.

Thank you -- and please excuse the bad typing.

Delores

Last changed: October 20, 2003

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