Emotional disability

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How have you successfully dealt with the double whammy: disability and depression?

Name: Stacy Brawner
Email: s_brawner@hotmail.com
Date: 29 Jul 2001
Time: 17:14:19

Story

I was diagnosed with clinical depression three years ago. But it began when I was 15 years old. I am 22 now. I suffered through high school. Everyone was one my case about sleeping all the time and being lazy and just wanting out of life. My Junior and Senior year of High School was the worst. I missed a total of 40 days of school during that time --about 20 per year. My senior year I did not go to school on my birthday because I did not want the attention. I had many friends, a boyfriend, I had it all, decent grades (would of been more A's and B's rather than B's and C's if I were there everyday). I had no idea what depression was at that time. I really thought I was lazy and was suppose to feel so worthless.

All of these things followed me to college. Which was a real shock. I was not making it to class everyday (no one was there to ride my butt to go like at home) an homework was so much harder. I failed a couple of classes later during the second semester.

I started out pretty good. I joined a sorority. Which I was not hazed it or made to drink or participate in circling fat on pledge's bodies. They weren't even allowed to call us pledges. We were new members, and we wore the Greek letters right away.

Anyway something happen with my new member class and they blamed me for blabbing an incident that involved a frat house. Being a small campus, everyone already knew that night. I was at this function but did not drink a drop. I had to be there for the new member thing. Everyone was getting so drunk. Not that I do not drink, just not really really cheap beer. So we had to stay till about 11 or so and I did and saw way too much of some guys and girls. I went to stay with my boyfriend because that is what ya did.

The next morning at like 6 a.m. a new member called my boyfriend's room and said, "Stacy ,get back to your room, get dressed up; we have to go to breakfast." It was 7:15. I never ate breakfast, but I did during pledging. Anyway the new member class accused me of blabbing to everyone what happened at that function. One girl was on the Basketball team and signed a contract not to drink during the season, and one of the student coaches was making fun of her for stupid stuff she did the night before and the new members accused me of telling him because I stayed in my boyfriend's frat house, the same one that the student coach was in. This guy knew everything about everyone; there is no way that he found it all that stuff out from me. Yeah, I told a few people (my boyfriend and his roommate) and then I went to bed. I did not know they had gotten busted by the dean that night. I found out the next morning.

Anyway, that whole situation changed my relationship with my new member class. I was the outcast now, felt I did not belong. After we initiated, I just drifted away and hung out with the older people, just a few of my new sisters. I just drifted into nothingness and I did not care. I was on academic probation with the sorority, probation for actions of telling the frat guys about the night of the infamous function. Which I should of fought but did not care and felt intimidated by the older "executive board" sisters. So I flunked some classes.

That summer I was working part time for an investment broker, who was hot headed. I made mistakes, typed on the typewriter crooked or used to much white out. It looked tacky. I apparently did not take down his messages the way he likes them. I was just completely on edge around him. He has been known to make his regular secretary cry at least once or twice a week -- if not everyday I don't know. She was now working part time to take care of her young son and was burnout from this hot headed broker. That is why I was hired. Anyway it was awful not knowing what kind of mood he would be in. Also I baby sat his youngest daughter (which he had joint custody with his second ex-wife). So now I am in his house. All the agony and pressure and what is the daughter going to tell her dad. Oh, this girl was so spoiled -- just way to nerve racking.

Well, my family was planning a 10-day trip out west across South Dakota, Colorado, down to Arkansas and back home o visit family, see the Badlands, Mount Rushmore, the Rocky Mountains -- just all that scenery. We had a nice a big motor home, and we took a girl that my sister worked with at a camp she was working at. The girl was from England and really wanted to go see the USA. She had a blast and it was nice to have a middle person between me and my sister and brother.

But anyway the guy I was dating decided that he wasn't going to date me anymore. But, instead of telling me, he just started dating someone else. I go back and we broke up. I knew that he was not right for me, but I was co-dependent on him to support me. So we broke up and we are going back to the same school, living less than a mile from each other, have mutual friends and he brought his new girlfriend to campus and she went to a school that was about 30 minutes away. I saw them everywhere. I was such a mess -- crying everyday just feeling hopeless (no one will love me on and on and on). I lost about 20 pounds in a course of a month. I was so frail, pale, just not wanting to get out of bed -- horrible.

Then that November my greatest inspiration died. My great aunt died in a car accident with a train, looking at the area where her and her husband planned to build and they were coming up for Thanksgiving like they did just about every year. They live near Chattanooga TN, and I live near Peoria, IL (center part of the state). She had just picked up the spiral ham to bring for dinner. It was a Monday and they were going to be there on Wednesday. This lady always had the most insightful thoughts and the most amazing ideas. I remember that every Thanksgiving they would stay a couple days and she always had a new idea or craft or project that she was working on and she taught me and my sister. She taught us how to crochet; we made many potholders. She did stainless work, make all kinds of crafts for the holidays.

This was the breaking point the bottom of the bottom, a sorority sister that lived diagonal from me heard me crying every day and night and she was concerned and pretty much made me go get help. I started Prozac the day before Xmas eve of 1998 and been in therapy since the middle of Dec. 1998. I basically had to retrain my brain to think properly. This is the hardest thing to do in anyone's life, I am sure you know. By the end of February or beginning of March I had more energy and had some positive attitude from therapy, and I kept saying I will not rely on just the drugs, they can only do so much. But I ended up having a class with my ex-boyfriend who I still had some relations with, even though he was dating someone else. I dated a bunch of different guys -- like one a month nothing was looking good.

I was working at a daycare which was great but with all those germs I got two viral infections, bronchitis and strept throat, all within 5 months. So I was not reliable and they fired me. I thought I may have mono. I was so sick that I left school with a month left, the doctor thought I had mono. Well, it cleared up faster than mono would of had so it was just a very bad throat infection.

I decided to swear off men and work at the all girls camp that my sister worked at. It is a girl scout camp. There was this maintence guy that worked out there and I liked him but found out he had a girlfriend, so I did not pursue and I was too busy to really talk to him anyway. Plus I saw him talking to the lifeguard if he talked to any of the girls. Well, I came to find out that he and his grilfriend broke up and he had be following me around just about everyday knowing my schedule where I was most of the time of the day. I had no clue.

There was a sort of end-of-the-summer party at a counselor's house on the weekend and he was going to be there and he was (showed up fashionably late) and we talked for 5 hours and started a beautiful relationship. He helped me in so many ways. Opening me up to so many sides of myself that I had no idea I had. Well, I did not go back to the same school as I did that previous two years. I went to a local community college instead. Not sure what I wanted to do so I took a full load at the com. college. I worked in the library and saw my boyfriend when he was not in school at a school about 20 minutes from his home (he commuted).

Finally I was feeling better. But school started becoming a problem again. I had trouble getting to the early class I had. I ended up flunking that class. Anyway, I wanted to be a teacher and, one of my classes that I did well in, the teacher was great really, telling us how it was and I was scared and did not want to do all the extra work. I love kids, but I really don't want to take my work home with me. I want to work, be done, relax, get up next day, work, come home relax 9-5. So I decided to go for at certificate in Pharmacy technician, since I was at the pharmacy every month. I thought I looked pretty neat. So the next semester I started those classes, but that was not what I really wanted and I just was so tired of school that I quite. My parents were not happy but they supported me.

I was out of school and work from Feb. 2000, through May 2000 Well, I took a lifeguarding class to become a lifeguard at camp that summer. My relationship was better and stronger than ever. Well, camp started and the two people in charge where totally unprofessional. I was promoted to waterfront director because I was 21 and made the requirements. The camp director and assistant were good friends and they talked about everyone and what they were doing, just really noisy. My boyfriend was working there, too, and I was told that I could not talk to him besides camp related stuff and that can not be longer than a few minutes. I could not leave on my two hours off that every gets. We could the year before.

My time off was 7-9 p.m. because the pool was open during the day which I did not mind that time my boyfriend got off at 5 and that would be perfect he lived in town a few hours and then back to camp and go to bed the best situation for the circumstances but nope could not leave. This frustrated me so much they were cutting me off to my relationship, my sanity of leaving the camp. It was really tough seeing your boyfriend and just being able to wave at him and can't say hey what's going on. and talk for a while.

But the real thing was about me and the camp director and assistant was that they thought I was not doing my job. The pool was cleaned every week, adequate number of watchers per kids in pool, schedule made out. But I hate lakes. I was in charge of canoeing to and I hate lakes I had to tip a canoe in the gross icky moss covered, fishy smelling, can't see 3 inches from the top. full of sand and mud. Oh, and the lake was probably the temp of about 65-70 degrees. I hated being on the lake so I did not teach it that much, I let the other lifeguard do that because she likes canoe and she said she did not have a problem with it.

But the camp director and assistant sent counselors to make sure that I was doing my job. I was at the lake but just as the lifeguard on shore. So I tried to teach it, but I don't know canoeing. So many people were fed up with all the crap and cynicism that was going on. Another counselor had depression so we talked all the time and how the camp director was destroying our self-esteem that we work hard to achieve. So I asked for time outside of camp (maybe a night at home) because we where understaffed. I had to be counselor sometimes, too, and that sucked because it is so emotional. The year before the lifeguard had all this free time at night. She and the cook staff and the crafts, and horse people went out all the time. I wanted that. But could not have it. I was sleeping in units with whiny kids -- which I can understand why they are. It Just as gets old.

Anyway I left and I was not going back to school. I got a job at a boat casino and worked nights 6:30 p.m. to 4:30 am. Which was fine -- the time was not a problem; just standing for 10 hours killed me. I liked my job besides the fact of all the rules and you mostly had to stand straight up or they might think that you are trying to sneak money (I worked in the cage). I was responsible for a lot of money. I felt pretty good about that. But from the boat fumes and the smoke from many customers I was getting awful migraines and I was working every weekend, never seeing anyone.

So I quit and got a job as a secretary in foster care which I loved and worked there for nine months, and depression was a problem like it has been with everything else I have done. They knew that I have depression. All of a sudden my boss stopped talking to me. We used to chit chat and all that but she was not even saying good morning and our offices were right next door, but she would go across the hall every 10 minutes to chat with them. Anyway, my relationship was failing. My byfriend did not know if he loved me anymore. So this affected my work. I also suffer from migraines here, too -- terrible pain. I got so stressed out at work that I was throwing up from the stress of my boss's work and my boyfriend. I basically told my boss I am taking Thursday and Friday off (I got sick on Wednesday and went home at noon half day) to figure things out. I said call me at home if you need anything. So on Friday she called and said that personnel had my file and that they were going through it and she would let me know when I could come back. So my relationship was still failing. My job was becoming nonexistent. On the following monday no phone call. So Tuesday I called her and she said that I was fired for absenteeism and personal problems.

And the next day my boyfriend and I broke up. I broke it off, but I knew he wanted to but did not want to hurt me more than I already had been.. I knew that he was being distant and all that -- I saw it coming. We talked it all out and thought it was best this way. Also I am moving to NC to be with my sister, which is the best thing for me.

For the first time in my life, I have not yield to the deep hole of depression. I am not crying. Yes, I was upset the first day but now I feel fine. Not in denial. Nothing. Just at peace.

My question is: Do you think that I was discriminated against at my last job by saying I had personal problems. I have medical evidence of my migraines, panic attacks and depression. So tell me what you think

Emotional disability

Story

Last changed: October 20, 2003