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Re: My Mother

Name: Betty Alfred
Email: bettyalfred@aol.com
Date: 24 May 2000
Time: 07:51:53
Remote User:

Story

Terri, we are in similar circumstances. My Mother has metastatic lung cancer, and I am her primary caregiver. I do not think your anger is misplaced. We love our mothers, but we are also humans with breaking points.

I don't know how your relationship is with your Mom's neighbors, but I can share a little of my survival strategy.

I visited three sets of neighbors and made them aware of my Mother's situation. I shared that my disability keeps me from doing all the things that are necessary to keep our home running.

They have responded with ongoing kindness and support.. Our neighbors have helped in ways that I wouldn't have anticipated. One family has become particularly attentive; the father stops by every few days to check on us. They bring their children to visit, and our home feels alive when they are here. My Mom and I are both encouraged by these visits. I also have an open invitation to their home whenever I need a break from the oppressive atmosphere here.

And the atmosphere here is oppressive.

My mother has been tormented by severe pain for several months. She can't sleep well at night and is in and out of bed. I have to be alert because her pain medication makes her "loopy," as she says. Her balance is poor and I worry that she will fall down the stairs. She frequently lashes out at me because of pain that medication won't help. I happen to be the closest target. I don't take her comments to heart, but sometimes I have to do a little mental work to get to that point.

She is also demanding of my time. She doesn't want me to leave her. I know she is scared. I feel for her and I try to give her Mom/daughter time everyday. I have also had to tell her that I need time for myself, too. On occasion, she has tried to make me feel guilty for that. I insist on time for Betty, however. That is a legitimate need and I do not succumb to feelings of guilt. I am not Superwoman. I've looked in my closet, and I do not have any outfits with a big "S."

We must take care of ourselves first, or we will be unable to take care of our Mothers.

Before I came to this conclusion, I suffered a shoulder/arm injury trying to help Mom when I really needed help myself. The injury will not properly heal since I use crutches for weight bearing, and a wheelchair for mobility. My arms are my legs, and I can't afford additional upper extremity assaults. Since this experience, I have been firm about what I can do and what I can't do.

I communicate with her doctors as well. I must have some expectation of the level of care my Mom will need over the next few months. With my Mother's permission, I have let them all know that I expect them to communicate fully with me too. At some point, Mom will need daily assistance that I cannot provide. I can't wait for that day to come to take action. I have to be prepared.

Once a month, I also try to make arrangements to visit a dear friend overnight. She has offered me an "open door policy" for stress relief. While I'm there Terri, I think about the little birds in the trees. I watch the activity at my friend's backyard birdfeeder and I don't think about anything serious. I have a cell phone so whoever is being with my Mom can contact me, but I don't think about that.

If the opportunity presents itself for me to "run away from home" for a while, I do it.

These are just little examples of my strategy for getting through this. In the beginning of Mom's diagnosis, I let her illness rule my days. Cancer is a powerful word, and I was intimidated by it. I still am, but I can't let it take me down or I won't be able to help my Mom.

Copyright 2000 Betty Alfred. All rights reserved.

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