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When have you felt invisible? What did you do about it?
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Name: Alana R. Theriault
E-mail address: alrt@igc.org
Date: 13 Jun 1998
Time: 06:09:47
Remote Name: pppe-32.igc.org
Remote User:
I went to Mills College, a liberal arts school for women, expecting a supportive environment in which I would learn to write and otherwise express myself more effectively. I did indeed learn at Mills, though found adversity to often be a better teacher than my professors and peers.
In one fiction writing workshop I was asked to explain the metaphorical significance of my protagonist's disability. My response to the group could be nothing other than a request that they explain the significance of my own 3-D, Technicolor physical limitations. Was I crippled because of some sin my mother committed? Or maybe I symbolized our society's ills. Likely, many saw me as a reminder from the Creator to count one's blessings.
It hadn't occurred to them that a character in a story might incidentally have a disability, much like she could have red hair, brown skin or a mother-in-law who's allergic to cats. While all of these characteristics, including a disability, are significant in certain situations some of the time in both fiction and real life, they do not always carry a weighty metaphor. They just are.
My challenge to the group was met with averted eyes. Despite an appreciation of our cultural diversity, and even the presence of another disabled classmate, I felt them slipping away. I realized they saw my wheelchair, ventilator, and thin arms in relation only to themselves and their own fears and limitations. They didn't really see me in all my complexity. I was invisible unless my "condition" served to explain or represent an injustice or failing.
I carried this challenge with me as I went from class to class, and discovered the depth of discomfort people felt when asked to look at all of me. That I might be a lot like them, meant that they too were like me. It's easier to look away.
I keep my challenge with me seven years later, holding on to the expectation that I be seen. The strength that fuels this effort is the small victories out of which come respect and sometimes great friendships.
In a sociology class we discussed a book that explored women's perceptions of beauty. We examined a long history of shame and dissatisfaction with our bodies. I was pleased that the disability experience of eugenics was mentioned, but felt that the past cause and present-day effect of that history was not being addressed. My bottled-necked emotions came forth as they often do in a poem.
Mirror
Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who's the fairest on my hall?
Is it Tina tall & slim?
Or pretty Wendy chased by Kim?
It might be Sam in flowing skirts,
His charming grin through which he flirts.
Even Deb who tucks her chin,
Struts a bit when glanced by Tim.
Then there's me, clear skin, quick wit and grace despite the chair I sit.
But how can I compare to them
When all that's seen is how I perch?
My huge black chair does hide my figure,
Whirring wheels which glide yet lurch.
So I wear mostly black and green
To not stand out -- a foolish scheme -- and view each suitor skeptically
For fear of shun by them of me.
Beauty isn't mine for granted,
Spindled arms and spine that's slanted.
High pitched voice and puffy feet,
Would of my thighs a lover eat?
So pale they are and muscles soft.
Gimps like me are often scoffed
For having angles, twists and bends
Which sometimes lead to lonely ends.
Oh, beauty are you mine to know?
Will love come shy and always slow?
Or can I shine my looking glass with confidence and flirting sass?
Copyright © 1994 Alana R. Theriault. All rights reserved.
The unsureness of myself expressed in this poem opened the classroom up to tearful
revelations from women with hidden disabilities. Our non-disabled classmates acknowledged
our similar but different experiences. Everyone listened. I was fueled by my visibility
and that of my peers. This was a moment. For each such moment I continue to carry my
challenge against a nagging invisibility.
Note from Jim: To
add your story to this Special Thread Discussion,
select Reply at the top of this page.
To see all postings on this thread, select Contents
at the top/bottom of this page.
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