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Finding my way back to me.............

Name: Candis
Email: outspoken2000@myself.com
Date: 15 Jun 2001
Time: 04:32:16
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I have spent most of my 38 years trying to mean something to somebody, and I never found it. I spent years of my life being addicted to men who were attracted to me because I was so worried about losing them, that I did whatever it took to keep them in my life. It didn't matter to me if they hit me, had affairs right in front of my face, degraded me in front of my friends, separated me from my family, isolated me from everyone, took every dime I ever made, and kept pornographic pictures up around my house. This is how I spent 15 years with one man and the pain and agony I dealt with on a daily basis made me feel alive somehow...if he was yelling at me, hitting me, controlling me, well, at least he was paying attention to me -- that's how I perceived his abuse, and the fact that I stayed or always came back for more opened doors to my abuser that probably had never been made available to him before. Any self-respecting woman would have left this man long before I did.

At the age of 32, I found myself hiding in a closet while the man I thought I could love enough to change was rampaging through our home, wrecking everything that meant anything to me (he even threw my cats around) and threatening to kill me to put me out of my misery and make his life easier. I think he hated me more for staying then I hated myself by this time, and I finally realized that no matter what I said or did had any bearing on what this man was going to do to me.

I'd finally realized that no one was going to "save" me, and there was still a small spark of self-preservation deep in my soul I didn't know I possessed. I picked my sorry ass up off that floor, and I walked out of that closet with my head held high and with a resolve to end this insanity -- that was the last time I allowed a man to hit me or treat me in ways I wouldn't even think of treating people I don't like, let alone someone I profess to love.

It wasn't easy, giving up my addiction to men in general and drama specifically. I then became a drug addict for the next five years. I figure that at least it was keeping me away from this man, and I didn't have to account to anyone for the "new" addiction in my life.

That was 3 years ago. I am now drug-free and relationship-free. I have found my true calling in life and am going to college to become an addiction counselor. To me, knowledge is power, and this is a way for me to put my painful past to good use, to help others on the path to a new way of living.

I can truly say that "I've been there, it seems like the end of the world at this moment, but you are strong, you are worthwhile, and you are OK just the way you are." When I have my down days (something I've learned we will all have), I just remember that I am a child of God, and no one can take that fact away from me, unless I allow them to, and God DOES NOT CREATE GARBAGE. I am not put on this earth to be someone's punching bag, not even my own. My life has meaning, and it is worth living.

It's not the situations in our lives that will kill us; it's our reactions, thoughts, and behaviors that we apply to these situations that get us into hot water. We all have the power of choice, even when it comes to addiction, by what we allow in our lives. It's up to each one of us to find a way that suits us. It's our choice to be forever a victim of circumstance or to be in control of the direction our live goes. Each day is what you make of it; you can decide how you want each and every day of your life to be. It really IS up to YOU!!!!!

Last changed: May 19, 2008

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