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What experience has helped you gain self respect?
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Name: T.B. Morse
Email: tbmorse@juno.com
Date: 18 Feb 1999
Time: 15:32:34
Remote Name: ppp-294.unm.edu
Remote User:
From childhood I was meant to be a writer. My father, a successful writer before his illness, taught me my alphabet when I was two. I read at a college level in second grade, wrote poetry at age ten, took courses in college with famous writers when I was 19-22, got into a selective MFA program in writing in my mid-20's, and graduated the year I became disabled by ms.
So, what did I do when faced with a disability? I wrote. More than that, to give my work credibility and depth, I researched, using the skills I'd learned in my BA in American Studies. What did I research? The story that supplied what would become "my material," the great Social Security Disability "reviews" of the 1980's, of which I was an unwilling participant.
Fifteen years after I became disabled, five years after my disability benefits were reinstated after a six year "review," I finished my life's work, a book that went through fifteen drafts and had a ten- page Bibliography. I've always been an obsessive type, so I didn't just cite, or even read, the articles I mentioned. I digested them, tore them apart, critiqued them - every last one of them.
I know I'm a gifted writer. Two agents, at different points in this project, represented me. I know my book could change policies, break hearts, move the soul. I also know that I could turn twenty years of living on disability benefits into a personal triumph if I could rise above the system and publish my book.
How, then, to respond to a "free press" that would not even look at an outline or excerpt of my book? How was I to deal with a disability system that insisted I must make less than $5,000 on my work or be prepared to support myself by writing for the next fifteen years?
For four years my book sat in a dresser drawer, and I even asked my kids to see what they could do with it after my death. By then, I wouldn't be afraid of losing my benefits any more. But by then, what I had to say wouldn't matter much. The social policies I discussed would be quaint "old news."
In 1995 my husband got a computer. He needed it for his school program. I played around with it and gradually learned to use it (rather badly), and finally I understood that I had a big decision to make. I could hold on to my dreams of literary glory, of "someday" being acknowledged for the work I'd done, of a career as a writer. Or I could give up those mental pictures of a life free from the Social Security Disability system, a life lived with peers and people who respected my work. I could "publish" my book on the internet for free.
In July of 1996 "America's War On The Disabled: 1975-1992: A Personal Account" appeared free on the internet. Thus I gave up my dreams of being a successful writer and decided to try to make a difference in this world.
Since I made that decision, more than 4,500 people have read "America's War..." Maybe one of them is a policy maker, will cast a key vote, will run for President in twenty years. Who knows?
I still grieve for the loss of my dreams. In many ways, I live an isolated life. I know no other writers. My days are spent trying to keep up with dishes, laundry, ironing, shopping, cooking. My ms has caused progressive cognitive damage, and my writing skills are affected. I'll never write a major work again.
But, in my heart, I've gained a different kind of self respect. America said I couldn't talk about disability benefits, but I did. And, I continue to talk about them as I e-mail people with book or disability related webpages, post on message boards, present the idea as a topic for forum discussion, ask reviewers to review my book.
Perhaps my country will never accept me as a writer, an expert witness, or even a minor "expert" on Social Security Disability, but I have something of value to say, and thanks to the internet, I can say it.
If you want to know what happened the first time the Republicans "fixed" Social Security, or how half a million people dropped out of America's consciousness when they lost their rights, you too can read my book. It's free to all at http://members.tripod.com/~TBMorse/freebook.html. I believe that every person who visits my site is one more number in the "victory for truth" column, because truth (whatever the risks or rewards) is the process of calling things by their right names.
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