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Stars in the Shadows

Name: Jody A. Harmon
Email: bluestray@yahoo.com
Date: 04 Jul 2000
Time: 03:34:54

Story

This dark night does not frighten me, although daylight does and probably forever will. I crouch here in the shadows, protected by this blackness. In these shadows, my tears will not be mocked, for they cannot be seen. In these shadows, my bleeding wounds shall not be gouged deeper, for they are hidden by darkness. I will tend to them myself, as I always have to do.

The daylight is a dangerous place. In it, hide those acceptable by others, but not necessarily by those worthy of judging acceptability. Those who primp and preen and brag and boast find their niche among like kind. Attributes others find attractive are not those I do or ever will.

Perhaps it is better I stick to the pathways of the dark and unaccepted, for here, I have stumbled onto, at many times in many places, the jewels of the earth, people and creatures of extraordinary wisdom and character and courage. I have roamed from Mexico to Alaska. I have lived in tenements, in freezing shacks and Quonset huts, in tents, under bridges, in cars and half-decent rentals. I have fished, waited tables, milked cows, tracked livestock, rowed rafts, walked dogs, developed X-rays, pulled weeds, trapped ferals and a million other odd jobs in odd places in order to survive. And yet, this illness follows me, with its external stigmas and internal traumas, unshakable. I work around the internal problems. To deal with those things external, those people who would make my life even more difficult and who punish me for an illness with harsh and cruel stigma, I slip into the darkness.

I am damaged, some would say, and even go out of their way to point out to me. My life has been and is exceedingly difficult. This difficulty and my "damaged" nature have led me down paths I would never have seen had I led an ordinary life dedicated to a career and the pursuit of ordinary dreams. There has been nothing ordinary about my life. I will stay in these quiet shadows with my mind and my heart wide open.

I will not pass by suffering without attempting to help. I will not close my mind. I will try to amend the mistakes I make. I will try to step gently. Most likely I will not receive kindness in return for kindness or my attempt to follow a path I will not regret. Most likely I will continue to be beaten and mocked and kicked around. Most likely my wild mood swings will also continue. But I cannot allow this to deter my vision or my own determination to live so that I may peacefully die.

I can fall down in this darkness and sob, brokenhearted, but then, I must pick myself up and go on. These stars, shining so bright tonight, are always here, even though often occluded from our small and insignificant vision, by a deep and threatening, thick and dark, layer of clouds. These stars, visible or not, will always guide my way through the shadows and blackness I encounter in daily existence. These stars are beautiful.

Copyright © 2000 Jody A. Harmon. All rights reserved.

Last changed: October 20, 2003

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