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grieving my mental illness

Name: Jennifer Calhoun
Email: calhoun@utk.edu
Date: 18 Jan 2000
Time: 17:43:28
Remote Name: sunny.engr.utk.edu

Story

I was diagnosed with Bi-polar Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and Attention Deficit Disorder four years ago. I went to England to study as an exchange student in 1994, and had a phsycotic breakdown. Since I have been home I have sought treatment, and have made a great deal of progress. I am working again and have established some beautiful friendships. I am feeling more comfortable around my peer group and have finished my degree.

There is one area of my life that I nearly feel incapacitated in, and that is in romantic relationships. I have dated, mainly jerks, since my illness. In the past, I sought men that were my equals, and that I had a lot in common with. I was struggling with my illness but undiagnosed. So, I still had difficulties. But since my diagnosis, I am terrified of dating someone that I would really want to spend time with. I use to be thin. I gained 50 pounds on the medicine. Actually, I was too thin...so I am only 20 pounds over my ideal weight. I have a rebellion about loosing this weight. It easier to hide than to face sharing my disablity with someone in a romantic relationship.

My friends know....but it is different. I am 27, and I don't know if I can have children now. I don't know if I can come off my medicine long enough to have a child. And, if I did, I would probably spend most of my pregnancy in a psychiatric ward. I don't know if I could relocate from where I live. I know I couldn't anytime soon. I could go on. I have a lot to offer aside from this. But, I struggle with deserving someone that is compatible with me as a person, but who is willing to take the risk of being with me with these handicaps.

Sincerely, Jennifer

Copyright © 2000 Jennifer Calhoun. All Rights reserved.

Last changed: October 20, 2003

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