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When have you felt your dad or mom's disappointment due to your disability?
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Name: Betty Alfred
Email: bettyalfred@aol.com
Date: 21 Jan 2000
Time: 10:41:05
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My story isn't about disappointing my parents because of my disability, but this seems to be the appropriate place to share my thoughts.
My father was the youngest of five boys, and fifty-five years of age when I was born. I was a teenager when he died. I'd attended so many family funerals by that time, I should have been awarded a Girl Scout badge for "funeral-going."
My Sister committed suicide during Easter of that year; my Father died the following Christmas morning. My Mother was grief-stricken. I don't suppose it would surprise you to know that I was preoccupied with the subject of death for the next few years. I haven't had to face loss like that for a long time.
In the past two weeks, my Mother has discovered that she is ill -- perhaps mortally so. I have been given a new wake-up call.
My Mother may be seeing the final days of her transitory existence. Armed with that knowledge, I have the opportunity to listen. She wants to talk about dying and most people aren't going to let her do that. People seem to feel that encouragement is best given by suppressing those concerns.
Having been the brunt of society's dismissal due to my disability, I know what it means to want to die. I clearly remember sharing with a friend that I had been thinking about suicide. She replied in the most wonderfully understanding way: "I don't doubt it -- after all that has been done to you!" She was listening, and she made me want to die a little bit less that day. With that kind of support, I have been able to look to a better future, and channel my pain in a way that may serve as a contribution.
My Mother is a Christian Scientist. She has opted for medical intervention, but has told me that her decision is subject to change. I am obliged to honor her beliefs. This is where the rubber of religious freedom meets the road. She is also berating herself for becoming ill. She believes that sickness is an indication that she has neglected her spiritual growth. I don't know that I agree, but this is not a time to argue. This is a time for me to listen so that she doesn't feel isolated.
I have disappointed my Mother in the past. Not because of my disability, but because I made a few wrong turns in my youth. My parents gave me the foundation to make better decisions than I sometimes made. I can grieve over that if I want, but what would I accomplish? Hopefully, I have learned from my experiences. I pray that I have matured sufficiently to be the daughter my Mother needs now.
I will listen. And at the end -- whenever that may be -- I will celebrate my Mother's life.
Copyright © 2000 Betty Alfred. All rights reserved.
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