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Paternalism

Name: Shelley Magnussen
Email: magnussen@integrityol.com
Date: 19 Oct 2000
Time: 02:24:32

Story

"...I'm beyond help."

"Can I help you?"

Sometimes, the words strike fear into my heart. It's a simple and innocent-sounding question, but it sets a plethora of my own questions in motion.

"Can I help you?" is usually better-translated, "I'm going to take care of you-like it, need it or not! It's less often a question, usually a simple directive that is often so automatic on the part of the speaker that I have come to believe they don't fully realize what they are doing. Forget about most of them admitting to going far beyond "help" to outright violation.

These "helpful" people are utterly confident in the assumption that I cannot insert coins into a pay phone, write out a check, do my own shopping or even harness up my Seeing Eye dog without their assistance-assistance that has, more than once, traumatized us both.

There was the man who grabbed me from behind, nearly dislocating my shoulder because he thought I needed "help" descending the bus steps. I already had one foot on the pavement when he did this. Another man nearly trampled both me and my dog because he was absolutely sure we'd both be crushed in the closing elevator doors-something that, to my knowledge, hasn't happened anywhere in America in the recent past. I guess he didn't know that (A), my dog was already backing up and (B), those doors won't close on anything larger than a paper clip.

I felt constrained, for the sake of my poor dog and my own sanity, to find a quick and effective way out of some of these little vignettes with the ignorant who rush in where angels fear to treed. If I was going to be proactive, I'd have to disarm them at the very outset, without insulting them. Of course, there are the radical few who will be offended at any attempt on my part to exercise autonomy, but there is one thing that seems to work for most-turning the issue on its ear.

"Can I help you?" Eileen asked.

She and her husband had offered me a ride home from church. She had always addressed me in that same overly-sweet tone of voice, normally reserved for young children and injured pets. I winced within myself. This lady had known me for several months now and still hadn't a clue who I was or the scope of capabilities. I was stepping out of the car. She was also, to walk around and open the back door for me.

She was still in her seat, with one foot out of her door when I answered.

"Oh, no thanks. I'm beyond help."

She erupted with a single gasp of shocked laughter. "Shelley!" She ejaculated.

That was all she could say. Did I shock her? Sure, but I think the reality of her own behavior toward a woman of obvious intelligence and wit was more surprising because she suddenly realized that this intelligence did, indeed, exist. The blinders had finally fallen from her eyes and she saw, for the first time, that we were quiet equal. Therefore, opening the door was no more necessary for me than for any of her other friends who, like myself, would have found it rather odd that she would be walking around to open their car door.

"I'm beyond help."

Try it! People generally get over their rescue-tendencies very quickly. Actually, it's been a great ice-breaker.

Copyright © 2000 Shelley Magnussen. All rights reserved.

Last changed: February 07, 2008

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